Child's play
by Edesina
Summary: Shall I tell you my story? It's not a fairytale, not a bed time story. I won't leave details out no matter how painful they are to me – or to you.   This is my confession, my attempt to shed a light to the mystery known as "Natsuki". Femslash.


**Author:** Edesina  
>Beta: -<br>**Rating: M**

**Pairing:** ShizNat, Natsuki/Mrs. Kuga  
><strong>Characters<strong>: Natsuki, Shizuru, Mrs. Kuga  
><strong>Genre:<strong> Angst, H/C, Darkfic, Dub-Con, Romance… and slight AU

**Summary:** _I couldn't understand why my classmates blushed and looked away when they girl and boy hold hands or kissed. That was nothing special, just child's play.  
><em>**Disclaimer:** My-Hime isn't mine. I think we all like that ^^ Especially Natsuki

**Warnings**: Incest, Chan, Alcoholism, seriously Sick mind…

**A/N**: Yay, I finally wrote a ShizNat story. I have always wondered why Natsuki refused Shizuru's advances and why Natsuki is always the inexperienced one. So after I combined those two I got this story. There's never too many fics with questionable content. ^^

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><p><em><strong>Child's play<strong>_

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><p>You say you love me? You can't love me if you don't know the real me. The moment you learn the truth about my past you will run away. Oh, you don't think so? Well, shall I tell you my story then? It's not a fairytale, not a bed time story. I won't leave details out no matter how painful they are to me – or to you.<p>

This is my confession, my attempt to shed a light to the mystery known as "Natsuki". You should listen carefully because this is "me" who you love so much.

This is a story of child's play.

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><p>"<em>Suki-chan, come here," a sing-song voice called and five year old ran through small house to her mother. She wore a pink dress, her blue hair was in two pigtails. Lace decorations were everywhere, in the dress, in her hair, socks and small cloves – even a small collar on girl's neck was made of lace.<em>

"_Yes, mom?" the girl's eyes sparkled when her mother leaned closer. Small lips brushed against bigger ones. A sweet kiss was shy, questions and doubt clouded little girl's eyes for a brief moment, then her mother opened her mouth, let the girl explore her mouth. _

"_Natsuki," mom whispered into girl's mouth and pulled the blunette closer. Her hands wandered under the girl's shirt, nails left burning marks and Natsuki whimpered. She felt her mother's other hand doing circles on her thigh._

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><p>I couldn't understand why my classmates blushed or looked away when they saw girl and boy holding hands or kissing. That was nothing special, just child's play. When those two kissed, they didn't use tongue and part of me wanted to scream: "Let me show you how to kiss!" They were eight for God's sake! How come they didn't know even basics of kissing?<p>

Everyone was the same, which confused me. Of course we couldn't talk about adult games, mom had explained that adults liked to play secretly. Still part of me was asking the questions I couldn't find an answer.

Do they play adult games? Can they kiss? What have their parents taught to them?

Same questions swirled through my mind over and over again. Talking to mom was out of question. She'd think I'm just a kid and then we couldn't play together anymore. Lucky for me, I knew that a boy in my class who had a crush on me so I asked him to kiss me.

"You call that a kiss?" I snarled after he had pressed his lips pitifully against mine. Everyone in the corridor was staring at us, all girls looked jealous because he was cute. Boys looked slightly amused, how many times girls snapped after they were "kissed"?

"But that was kiss, wasn't it?" one of the girls asked and I shot a glare at her. She wasn't in my class, maybe a year older? She was quite pretty whereas others were cute. Her brown hair was quite unusual for a Japanese and her eyes… They were like a pair of rubies.

"Nope, that wasn't a kiss," I replied bitterly. So the boys knew nothing of kissing but what about girls? '_If I play my cards wisely, I learn the truth', _I thought.

"Then what is?" the same girl asked.

"Want me to show you?" I flirted and smiled inwardly when she blushed. I prayed that she'd answer 'yes'.

"O-okay." That was a bit like challenge so I moved closer and slid my hands in her light brown hair. Our eyes met for a second, I saw the unsure hint in her eye before I pressed our lips together. I nibbled her lower lip gently waiting for to catch the moves and she did. And holy God she did. She gained some self-esteem and replied hungrily like she had always known how but hadn't tried before. I felt her hands in my neck, she mirrored my earlier movements.

My tongue teased her lips and she opened her mouth just enough for me to slide my tongue in and explore her mouth. I think she wanted to ask something, not that I care. I tasted tea – had she drank it a minute ago?

When we parted away for air I smiled to her, a gesture which she also returned. Then we noticed the silence around us and blushed at the same time. Poor kids, their jaws almost hit the floor. The girl was still in my arms and I reluctantly let her go. She nodded shyly and turned to leave.

"Wait, what's your name?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I want to know who I kiss," I smiled confidently and waited. Maybe this girl wasn't just like the rest of my peers.

"Fujino. Fujino Shizuru."

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><p>"<em>Mom!" Natsuki giggled when she returned home after the school day. "I kissed a cute girl today." She smiled again thinking of the brown-haired girl, Shizuru. Maybe she had developed a bit of a crush, she thought amused.<em>

_Natsuki ran to the kitchen hoping for a smile. Instead she saw more and more common sight: her mother leaning over the table, dark hair tangled and the whole room smelled rancid alcohol. Little girl's happy smile disappeared in a second, replaced by a teary frown. The blunette sighed and ran in the room tears burning her eyes. _

_When mom was like that, unconscious and drunk she always hit the girl like she was something to hate. Afterwards mom always cried and was extremely gentle. She kissed Natsuki, sometimes also caressed her small frame and the girl would return the favour. She knew that her mother didn't scream because it hurt her, it was because she enjoyed it so much._

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><p>As I grew older I realized that what I and mom had was something special. I became shy because I feared what might slip if I trusted people. I had mom so I didn't even need others. When we had to move, I didn't have any friends who would miss me. And in the new school I was a lone wolf.<p>

Those years were horrible. Secrets, lying and the feeling of upcoming catastrophe filled almost two years. And mom became more… or actually less secretive. I saw more and more often half-empty bottles on the table and empty beer cans in the corners.

We had health education and the school's nurse came to talk about safe sex. My classmates had a blushing contest while I stared my desk. When the nurse said that normally youngsters had their first time around the time they turned fifteen, I swallowed hard. Three years… in three years the others might try the same as I have done many times.

'_What the hell?' _my mind was completely blank because of the rage. Mom had told that it was normal, that the other girls also played the adult games. It was her phrase she always used when I hesitated. Whether it was to let her be dominative and force me to dress bunny-girl costume or something else. She said she was preparing me for life.

How could she? For last 8 years she has used me! That was it, I decided. Anger burned my insides. Now everything made sense. My mother had been lying to me all the time. A set of memories flashed through my mind; when I asked why other kids couldn't kiss "correctly", when I asked if our relationship was normal… When I had caught mom watching two adults "playing together" at the age of seven, mom had said that also two adults can play together. She had discarded all my doubts like trash.

Because next year I was going to go in the middle school, I decided to pay a visit to my homeroom teacher. I wasn't going to forgive my mother. No one would use me like that. Ever. I wouldn't become friends with anyone. That way nobody would be able to hurt me, betray me like my own mother did.

"So you want to continue to a middle school with dorms? Are you sure, Kuga-san? It's not easy to live on your own," my teacher said, hint of worry quivered her usually even voice. How could anyone talk without putting stress on words?

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><p>"<em>Mom, are you home?" Ten year old Natsuki asked and listened to the silence. Mother's shoes were in the small entry, as was her jacket. Natsuki sighed and wondered if she could sneak in the kitchen to grab something to eat. They had only few pieces of hard rye bread left, and a crust piece of mildewy bread. <em>

_An empty bottle of Russian vodka was rolling back and forth on the table. It was just matter of time when it'd drop. The blunette sneaked past her mother and opened a squeaky door, revealing… nothing. Not even bread, not even dust. The pantry was completely white but on the kitchen table Natsuki saw another bottle of vodka. _

_They had __nothing__ to eat. Mom had bought alcohol instead. _

_As usual…_

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><p>"What do you know about hard life?" I whispered. All the pain, sleepless nights when I dried or couldn't sleep because I was starving… All the bruises I had to conceal… All the despair and hatred that had been bottled up. She knew something but not everything. It must have been hard when I showed up in school drunk at the age of ten.<p>

"So, how about Fuka Academy? It's also a high school so you could stay in one place," she suggested after a moment of silence. I watched silently as she flipped through a pile of papers and finally she gave me a brochure. Why not? If I could live there, anything is fine.

"Thank you," I said quietly and left her standing in the room. I knew she worried about me. She always did.

_~Child's Play~_

I enrolled in the Fuka Academy without waiting a second. All I knew was that I had to get away or I'd go back to my former life. I wanted to get rid of my memories so I secretly sold all pink dresses, weird costumes and toys mom had given to me. Lingerie and anal buds were the only things I kept.

The man who bought all the stuff stared me for a long time when he came to collect toys.

"How come a young girl like you has this kind of stuff?" he had eventually asked but I never said a thing. No questions - that was part of our deal. I used most of the money to buy new things when I moved in the dorms.

I was a lone wolf in the Fuka Academy, too, but it suited me fine. I knew I was different from the rest of girls. I was stained and violated and they felt it. The girls, who were still dreaming of the prince, couldn't understand why I didn't take part to those discussions. Some of them had their very first boyfriends. Dating someone? Hell no.

I couldn't stand them - especially Mai was annoying, always swooning over Tate-kun. I always remembered certain toys mom had used on me when I heard girls talking about guys. I remembered the pain which she had caused me both physically and emotionally. I found a secret place where I spent my lunch breaks. It was a garden full of beautiful flowers.

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><p>"<em>Mom, look!" little Natsuki pointed out a yellow flower. Summery sunshine highlighted perfectly the fragile light-yellow, the flower is almost lucid, made of glass. <em>

"_Oh, it's beautiful, Suki-chan," the woman kisses girl's cheek quickly and the blue-haired girl smiles. She would do anything to gain her mother's approval._

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><p>I saw the same flower and a fierce anger sparked inside me. I have to crush it, tear it down so ghosts of my past cannot see it.<p>

"Ara, ara, what has that poor flower done to you?" I froze when I heard a girl's voice. I turned around to face a gorgeous brunette who literally stole my breath. Her red eyes had a darker shade that enticed me. At that moment I knew. I knew that she was dangerous, which was worse than drug to me. She wasn't one of those boring girls who were still half-dreaming trough their lives. No, she had seen the other side.

"Hmm…? Did a can steal your tongue?" I think I blushed and still I couldn't help but look at her. I let my gaze wander on her features while I tried to fish the question from the depths of my mind. She was year or two older than me.

"I… uhh… It reminded me of something I want to forget," I finally managed to reply. Surprisingly I told her the truth.

"Don't we all want to forget something?" She replied smiling and I nodded. I think my voice ran away. Luckily the bell rang so I was able to get away from her.

"So, where's your class?" She followed my steps.

"Why do you care?" I asked rudely but that was the only way I knew – end the chat as soon as possible. The more time (actually I could count seconds) I spent with her the more uneasy I was. Someone had cared of me enough to talk to a freak like me.

"Can't I ask what is the class my new friend is in?"

I turned around and faced her friendly smile. _Friend? Since when?_

"I… um…" she waited patiently as I tried to find the words. What should I say? I had never had a friend before so why would she be friends with me? Everyone could see that I was stained, _trash_.

"I'm in 2-C," I finally muttered.

"Ara, you're a year younger than me," she said as we walked in the school building. All I looked I saw curious faces, heard whispers. "So shall we meet tomorrow in the same place… umm…"

"Natsuki Kuga," I offered my name without a second's hesitation. Friends, that was out of my world and she was out of my league. The brief moment when we had walked past those students had proved me that. She was _popular,_ loved, respected. Everything that I wasn't and I wanted to keep things this way.

"Shizuru Fujino," she smiled and turned away. Somehow I think that she knew that I'd meet her the next day for sure.

_~Child's Play~_

_She was drunk again not that Natsuki cared. She was used to her mother's drinking. Instead she brewed coffee for later and changed quickly her clothes. Mother wanted to see her precious little girl wearing a pink dress like good eleven year old girl should. Natsuki sighed and put a lace-decorated apron on. Mother would freak out if her dress got stained when she cooked._

_They had only carrots, cabbages and mayonnaise because her mother couldn't stand the taste of mayonnaise and only bunnies ate green stuff. Natsuki shrugged, with those ingredients she could easily to a coleslaw salad. And since they had few slices of bread she wouldn't starve to death._

_Girl's happiness didn't last long. She had barely eaten and cleaned the table when her mother woke up. _

"_Natsuki?" the dark haired woman groaned holding her head. _

"_Yes, mother?" the girl asked even though she knew what her mother wanted… and to be honest, she wanted it too. _

_She wanted to know that her mother still loved her, needed her. The woman grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a fumbly kiss. Her mouth tasted foul alcohol._

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><p>Shizuru became my friend pretty quickly. She understood me and never asked a thing about my past. When I was ready to show her my room she came gladly and I made us tea for she liked the hot drink. I must admit, the warmth of tea reminds me of her. She waited patiently watching over me. That was when I remembered why I hated kitchens. The morning of goodbye mom had forcefully taken me in our kitchen.<p>

"Natsuki?" Shizuru asked when she saw my face. She didn't touch me. She did that often but only when she knew I didn't mind. She knew me too well and I knew nothing of her.

"Just something I wish to forget," I said quietly. She didn't ask for explanation, just accepted the fact. I will tell her soon, I promised myself. I never said anything.

Days passed and sooner than I had realized, a month had passed. Then two, three months and eventually two years. My kitchen-phobia didn't get better. I had lost my dearest hobby because of my mother.

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><p>"<em>Mother, stop it! I don't want to!" Natsuki screamed and struggled. Her mother's already tight grip just fastened, hurt more. <em>

"_My little girl… my angel," Mrs. Kuga whispered hollowly. Her eyes showed no emotion when she tied the blue-haired girl's hands to the legs of the table. Soon Natsuki's legs suffered the same. Thin rope bit firmly on girl's skin and blood stained it red. Natsuki screamed until her mother showed a wet cloth in her mouth and used duct tape to seal her lips._

_A knife was waiting to be washed up on a nearby table and Mrs. Kuga grabbed it. "My angel can't leave me!" she wailed as she stared Natsuki. Clothes, those were in the way so she tore them off. What if she cut the girl? A demon had possessed her sweet little girl. A demon must be exorcized. _

"_Give my Suki-chan back, you devil!" Mrs. Kuga screamed as her hands danced on the young girl's body. Every now and then the knife left cut-marks. _

"_I love you, my Suki-chan," mother whispered and caressed her trembling body. She leaned closer and planted kisses on small breasts, stomach, tights. _

_Natsuki's eyes were full of tears. She had to get away._

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><p>"I love you, Natsuki," Shizuru said quietly. I look up and meet her eyes. She looked shocked, which wasn't a surprise. After hearing my story how can she love someone like me? "No matter what has happened in your past because those things are part of Natsuki I love."<p>

"Shizuru, I…" I struggle with words, it's like an invisible hand was strangling me. How can I say I need her but fear touch? Could she understand?

"Don't push yourself," she said gently and her fingers brushed my hand. I wanted to feel those gentle arms around me but I couldn't voice it. At the time I shied away from something I yearned for. I wanted her but I didn't want to get hurt, betrayed.

I know she understood. I wasn't ready to live through another mother…

_Yet._

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><p>Fin<p>

**A/N2:** I ask you to leave comment unless you want to say "I think it was gross and it didn't go like that in the anime". No, it wasn't exactly like anime suggests and if you didn't read the warnings, it's not my problem.


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